New Yorker In Israel

Everytime that I think that things are going alright, that I'm over that boy and completely sane--I slip back again. It's amazing how easy it is for me to be emotional about him. I hate it. I don't understand it. And it's killing me. I need him to just pick up and disappear. I have hated who I have become in his presence--this weak, sick, emotional mess.
I won't believe it all a lie--I have really changed since we broke up. I am stronger, I won't let myself lose track of what is important to me, I am healthier, happier, and I realize how destructive Dorky was to my own self and view of myself. I met him while I was in a new place and fell in love with him at one of my most destructive times in my life. I was so vulnerable and I let him into every pore in my body. And I know that because of all that it is hard to let him go. But I am ready to anyway. But he just keeps coming back to haunt me.
There is no doubt in my mind that India is so much better matched for me. For a million reasons. And I am falling for him quickly, as I do with most men. But every time I take few steps forward with my heart, Dorky puts his foot out and I trip and fall backwards again.
After a small conversation in class about marriage and weddings (a class we have together), he gmail chatted me and told me that the conversation in class made him think of me and the conversations we had about the same subject. I egged him on a bit trying to get at what he meant, what conversations. We hadn't really talked much about it except that his notion of marriage was of an unnecessary ritual that really he would go through out of protection for his potential children. I told him so. He agreed and then added that his mind could have been changed if the girl really wanted it. Hello?! What kind of implication is that supposed to have? Even if it was an innocent comment, I of course was going to read into that and think he meant me. So much for me trying to move on. I told him well its too late now anyway we're broken up. He then brought up how we never got there, we never even moved in together! That was because of him not me! Mr. I-Won't-Take-$-From-My-Parents. I was willing to but he never had the funds. I hated how he made it seem like all these things we never got to are regrets. Maybe after he had gone to Nepal and my lease was up when he got back, we could have moved in together. But that's old news.
On top of that we continued to write each other. I can honestly say that I never initiated the conversations, I responded to him writing to me. But when I did write him I poured my heart out to him because somewhere in me I knew he knew me better than anyone else does. I don't have to explain myself to him, he knows me and gets me. He wrote to me how going to the beach reminded him of me and how he never gave me enough credit for working and studying at the same time. He told me all the times he thought of me and missed me. And it forced me to miss him too, I guess. There was no moving on if I had him to hold onto.
Then he g-chatted me one day casually. And in the conversation told me that he had started seeing someone new. My thumped but I was truly and honestly happy for him. I do really want him to meet someone new, someone better for him than I was. But then he told me he couldn't tell me who it was because I knew her and he was afraid what I might do to her. He acted as if I was some sort of pyscho that wouldn't handle and would do I don't know what--slap her? He knows I am the least confrontational person ever. Most of the time people have to talk me into starting a fight and standing up for myself. I pulled it out of him and had what I thought would be the last break down. It turned out if was one of his best friends--the girl I was the last time around. The one I had dreamed about the first week we split, the nightmare I caught him already dating a new girl and in which I started crying and then woke up in real like still crying. I am not sure if it was who he started dating or the fact that all he was finally dating that ripped him out of the place I was holding him--but something changed.
Sitting in class the next day I wrote him a note and had Tuesday pass it to him. I asked him to stop contacting me all together. Part of it was my selfishness--thinking of him and this girl that I had double-dated with, had invited into my home for dinners, together really made me slightly ill. Plus the added prospect that I had semi-predicted wasn't helping. But I finally realized that if she was the girl I was before, the new girlfriend, I wouldn't want him writing to his recent ex-girlfriend the way he was writing to me. Plus it really wasn't fair the way I was writing to him knowing that I was with India. The two of us were not being fair to each other or to the new people we were dating. So to give each of us a fair chance with the new people we were seeing I said no more. He agreed and that was that.
In that time period me an India have progressed. I'll get to that shortly since we did have a few roadbumps along the way. And then just this week I saw him again. I was picking up my ticket information for my flight to NY and guess who was sitting in the travel agency right at the agent I needed? Yep, him--booking his flight to Nepal. He didn't see me at first and then waved me over because he was finishing up. He said he'd wait for my outside since I would only be a few minutes and I insisted that not necessary. When he stood up the agent passed him something to sign for his new gf too. She was going with him! He said I wasn't supposed to know that, as if I am some child he has to keep things from. Maybe he should have. I started tearing up as he walked out the door. The trip that was supposed to be his, that he wanted to do alone, that I had always thought of as his last "Dorky Excursion" before he would come home and settle down with me--he was going to go on with her. He had invited her or agreed to have her come along. The most he had agreed to was to let me overlap with him for a month--saying I could volunteer in an orphanage or something and we would cross paths. Well that stole a little of my fire to say the least. Especially the last few days I had been trying to get India to join me at a wedding--I couldn't get my new bf to spend a few hours with me and here the two of them were planning 3 months together. To my horror he was waiting for me when I got out. He started off just asking how I was doing, the usual stuff that made me feel so infantile I wanted to scream. And then he brought up that he hated how we weren't in touch. But I told him all the reasons why it wasn't good for us to be in touch. We don't filter our conversations enough and they just arne't healthy. Then he told me he missed me and I started crying all over again. Of course he had to bring up that I must knock him off the pedestal I keep him on. Like that helped. He's not there anymore. I swear. The moment I knew he was with someone else, the thought of telling him my secrets felt like a violation. But it doens't help. I think I am always going to cry in his presence. I don't know what it is about him.
At least I don't really have to see him much after this. I have an exam on Monday that I'll probably cross his path during but other than that he flies in September and this is the end. The end of our degree. We started it and met the first week of classes and we're ending it closing ties again. We'll always be in touch one way or another. We have mutual friends. And maybe one day after enough time has passed we may actually be friends. But now is not a good time. Now is time to say goodbye.
Unfortunately, even though I am letting go of Dorky for good, him and our relationship faults continue to creep up on me. Prime example: last weekend. I was hanging out at India's place Saturdaymorning, know quite well that he would be going to his family's in the afternoon for lunch. He finished a text message and then turned up to me and asked me if I want to go for lunch. I looked at him confused and said what? He repeated himself and asked stupidly, what do you mean for lunch? So he said, to his family's. I must have given one of those stunned looks where your brain is frozen and your face immitates it. I stuttered out a no. He laughed at me and brushed it off even though I said I'm sorry. All I want is for things to continue going in the right direction for us. He makes me so happy. And here I was saying no I don't want to meet your parents. What was I doing? Since when am I afraid to meet parents? I remember with Dorky, the first time I went up to Carmiel I was actually disappointed I wasn't going to meet them. But by the time me and him had come to the end of our relationship, me coming up to Carmiel to visit his parents every few weekends had become an ordeal. I hated going up with him and spending the weekend. And I never felt comfortable around them. All that has left me screwed up in the meet-the bf's-parent department. Later that day I apologized again and told him how I don't want him not to invite me places because he's afraid of my reaction. So he told me the right thing and said that it's cool. Whenever I'm ready I'm always invited but that he would never ask me again. What! Yeah. So now I have to stand up to the plate. (I have since, I am supposed to be joining him next weekend on my own credit).
The only slight dilemma that I can't seem to figure out is this wedding I have coming up. It's Kipa's wedding. He handed me the invitation in from of India one day after class (India already knew he was engaged). It was an interactive invitation in which you had to fold it up like oragami. I went to put it in my bag but India insisted on putting it together. Afterward he sat reading the invitatino commenting on the brides name and the place they were having the reception. Fine. I didn't say anything about inviting him though. I wasn't even sure if it was going to be separate dancing since Kipa is religious (I later found out that there wouldn't be). But I wasn't sure I wanted him to come anyway. Weddings are pressure points that I figured better left alone. Then about a week later India picked the invitation off my desk and asked me when the wedding was. I told him the first week of July. Now even if he was just making conversation, he'd have to be a total dunce to do it with that. So feeling kind of forced I asked him if he would go with me. And the answer I got: I'll think about it. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I gave him the benefit of doubt and didn't say anything. I fought back and forth over whether or not to bring it up again since truth be told I figured I would be better off alone. I was thinking of just letting the wedding happen and not asking him anything about it again. But then I talked with Tuesday who is going also with her boyfriend. She made me think that it would be fun us 4. So fast forward to last weekend after my no-go parent blip. In the same phone call in which I apologized about about not joining him I brought up the wedding. I got the same response as before. So I pressured him a bit admitting the reason I was asking was because the RSVP date was coming up. So he told me to say I was coming and maybe one other person. Now he is far from stupid, I'm not sure where these answers were coming from. I need to tell Kipa either one person or 2 not 1.5! India has never been so wishy-washy with me before. He has told me when he's not comfortable going places. So I am not sure what it all means.
At first I thought maybe it was a money issue. I figured it was implied that he was my guest and of course I would pay for him. And then a friend pointed out that maybe he is holding up a mirror to me about how I'm acting. I wouldn't go with him to the Heina and now not to his parents. Even if it wasn't purposeful, maybe he is holding back a bit since he sees I am.
Anyway, the day after I found out that Dorky and co were going to Nepal together some how I found myself crying in India's arms. Don't ask. I didn't even have a good excuse this time. He thought it was about an e-mail I written him in which I proclaimed my feelings for him recently. I said they didn't have to do with each other. But it did get us onto the topic of what are we? In an awkward fashion we came away with he is my boyfriend and I am his girlfriend. Yippee. I already knew that. I had just been hesitant with the labeling since we have only been together a few months. Either way, I am his girlfriend and he isn't coming with me to the wedding. Or he hasn't made his mind up. But I didn't wait. I already RSVPed and told them 2--me and Emm. He'll be a better date anyway. Now if only I could get India to come with me to the wedding I have in August. It's going to be an overblown fancy British wedding in Israel and he has already proclaimed he wouldn't go. Humph. I'll discuss it with him when the time comes. But I really want him to come to that one. =(
Oh well. Que sera, sera.

Current Mood: busy

This is my attempt not to fall asleep in Virginia Woolf. I have no idea why I am so tired besides that I woke up at 3 am and stayed a while before going back to sleep and waking up at 6am. I shouldn't be the one with fucked up sleep. That should be my mom. She just went back to NY after being with my 10 days.
It was sad sending her back. We had a perfect little vacay our own way. Just hanging around, shopping, having breakfast, and eating ice cream. I miss her but surprisingly I am not that home sick because India is constantly on my mind. I am totally enamored.
It's strange to me, moving on so quickly. How did I go from such severe pain and heart ache to being able to fall so hard but so differently?
I can't remember anyone I have had such an instantaneous attraction for. It is intensely physical but really not only. His curiosity and taste for knowledge and culture and experience makes me jealous with envy. Being newly infatuated with someone, especially so whole heartedly, has me scared sick. I had been ready to harden my heart and put it away. I wasn't expecting to have it melt away into someone else so soon. Giving myself away is frightening because it leaves me vulnerable. I like India so much I know that even so early on I would be really broken if things don't work out between us.
He gives me a lot to live up to. And I love that. He makes me challenge myself and reshape myself into what I think is a better me. Whether that is keeping up with the world outside myself or being more cultural. It isn't about changing myself to become someone he wants me to be because I can't really imagine why someone like him likes someone like me. It's about wanting to be as cool and Marissa I think I would like to be so that I feel as great as I see him when we hold hands.
I catch snip bits of stories about his friends or things his exes have done and I know I don't live up to them. They are doers and achievers and active people while I am the pinnacle of self absorbedness and living in my own world. I know eventually my shallowness will come to light and he'll break things off. He needs someone that is with it like he is. But I'm going to enjoy him as long as I can.
Usually in relationships I am excited because someone likes this part of me I am certain of. But with India, I want to change myself and grow and become and challenge. It's invigorating. I just hope all this jazz keeps up with us for a while. We all know that the lust of the beginning of relationships is the sweetest. But so far he has had me on my toes for almost a month. That's a decent amount of time to still have a surprise at every turn. Gotta luv that.

I want to write more. And I want to write more about things that are less trivial but how do I do that? When I talk to India I feel liek my orbit is so tightly wrapped around myself that I may self-sufficate. I hate how shallow writing about myself makes me feel but at the same time I have to let it out somewhere and so here I am.
Being in a new relationship makes me feel so vulnerable. On the oneside its really exciting and the truth is that I don't have many quelms over whether he likes me or not. Quite the opposite actually. For once I am fairly certain that for all the time in the day that my mind is absorbed with him I think I may very well transpire over his day equally as much. He shows in his texts and e-mails and actions.
In answer to my last posts question of whether India will ever oversome Door Key, yesterday was certainly a sure fire answer. As much as I may have fantasized about Door Key before we were together, our sex life was never that blazing except for maybe the first few times together or when I was deep in my disorder and felt really sexy. But now, even at a rather low point in my body image, I have never been more physically in tune and completely attracted to someone as I am with India. I have never figured out these things work either. It could rightly be that India is just a sexpert and reads my body with his fingers really well. Yet I never thought that to be all the truth. There is definitely a decent dosage of sexual compatibility whichi includes a major component of attraction. And I can not remember ever being so flat out attracted to someone. Especially after the initial buzz of the first few times has faded out.
I remember the one caused me to climax for the first time going down on me, which was not Door Key mind you. Well India will go down in history as the first guy to get me to peak twice in one session. Yeah, I have faked that with other guys but it has never genuinely happened. Mark it down--May 5th, 2009. Fk it was good! I can't get the whole thing out of my head. He didn't come both times like me but when he came he did it on me which was pretty hot I must admit. I am not sure where all this sexual energy is coming from. But I really like it (well, who wouldn't?).
On a different note, a non-sexual one, recent conversations with a slightly new group of friends has got me wondering about the image I project. I know who I think I am. It's who I think my friends perceive me as. That's how the theory goes, no? It's just funny how certain people you let into different parts of your life. Like JellyBean knows me nearly wholly I think of all my friends. But even she I have never told about issues with food. And my mom knows a lot but there is a ton that I keep from her too. Door Key knows the most about the tough stuff but sometimes I think that the way he knew me was so raw that it ceased to be the real me, you know?
Anyway, my friend DooWop and I were chatting about it--how I don't know him at all and he doesn't know me. He is definitely someone I want to get to know. It's a curious thing getting to know someone. I instantly felt like I could talk to him. And I miss the male perspective of things that I have been lasking since Door Key has fallen out of my circle. But I am not sure he wants to be my confidant. I am not easy. I'm demanding and confused and confusing. It's hard to put yourself out there on the line.
And even if he is willing, how do you get there? Door Key was the first person I ever opened up to so easily. But it happened because of the way out friendship developed. We would hang out 1-on-1 all the time so we got to know each other deeply. DooWop and I are always in groups. Which is cool. But it doesn't give us much chance to converse past the top layer. I don't want to force things just because I want someone to talk to. It should be natural. But it's not. Plus, I would want it to be mutual--that he would want to pour himself out to me too. He tops my list of people I want to connect with. I may have to arrange things in order to include him the way I wish in my life but I think it can be done. It has to be at least attempted. If we aren't meant to be the friends I want to be then he is real enough to push me away and put me in my place. And I would commend him for it.
That's about it for now. I've got to get back to real life. Enough self-reflection. I may throw up on myself if I don't stop now with my ME-ME-ME ruminations.

Current Mood: contemplative

I miss him. But who which one? The one I can still smell on my sheets as I lay here dorsal typing or the one that slipped from my eye lids as I opened them while slumber erased his image from my mind again? And the better question: shouldn't they be one and them the same? But they aren't and it's making me mad.
Guilty as charged.
I can't close my bursting heart because it's shared by two men.
I should really paste the entry I wrote as a Word document (instead of dozing off in my Virginia Woolf class last week) about India. He's all the right stuff--I feel gravity retract when he calls during a shift at work and his touch makes all cliches come to mind. So far I have become notorious for hurting my face smiling at the thought of India. I would say I am genuinely smitten.
How is it, then, that when I open Gmail, the same moment I skip a beat getting an e-mail from him . . . an e-mail from Door Key still makes me feel like there is an anvil tied to my lungs? I instantly deflate and start to tear up.
We have been in touch a lot this week but only via email, he decided that's the best way for us to keep in touch and I am going along with it. He checked up on me to make sure I wasn't slipping into the dark after my mother left like I did last time. And I'm not, mostly thanks to India. It's hard to feel homesick when you're high on new lust.
But, all the same, it is making me miss him. This time of year, for some reason, is making me miss him. I guess because there are holidays that mark the calendar and I can remember exactly what I was doing 1 year ago, and 2 years ago when me and Door Key were on the cusp of our own beginning. I couldn't go to Memorial Day events at Kikar Rabin this year because all I remember is the first time I went when he insisted I go. But it was before we told anyone we were dating. I know exactly what I was wearing and where we stood--apart with tension thick between us. And I can't forget last year when he was in Italy and I was counting down the hours until he would land. I keep replaying like a scene in a movie seeing him come out from Hagana train station, tarmil strapped to his back, me running to him and letting him pick me up almost falling over from the weight on his back and me clinging to his front. I can taste the salt of drops of happy tears on my face and then I think of how India tasted after us skinny dipping in the sea on one of our first dates . . . some how I have the two of them intertwined and I don't know how to undo them.
It makes me sick to my stomach to know that despite being full of smiles for India, every song about love makes me think of Door Key. I still write down lyrics to songs, verses of poetry, lines of prose to send to him, to one of them. I just can't send them to either.
On Independence Day Door Key and friends had a BBQ at his place and I spent the day trying to hold myself together facing friends of my own and India himself. I only finally let it all loose in a run with sweat and tears mixing on my burning face. How do I explain to myself the jealousy knowing he was enjoying himself in a BBQ ritual I had initiated with him, painting his porch and making it a worthy place for backyard parties? My favorite pants are still stained in teal and bright orange paint from that fixer upper. It just kept making me think of the end of summer BBQ we had when things were still making sense. I was euphoric, thinking "this is what life should be"--surrounded by friends with my love playing guitar and serenading me with songs I could sing along to. He's never going to play guitar for me again and India can't hold a tune.
He emailed me before I got home from my run that night and told me how the day reminded him of me also. Some how that was comforting. I read it and jumped in the shower before India showed up. And with him there I could stop crying, he just makes me feel good. When I think of him I get excited because he makes me want to be better than who I am. I read political blogs and go to free lectures on campus, I want to get a bicycle and I've looked into volunteer positions. I don't believe I am becoming someone I am not, just recreating myself in an image I like better and he is behind my self-encouragement. That has to mean something.
I just don't know how to stop myself from blending all my memories between them. It has never happened to me this way in such obvious and serious measures. I guess I have never had such intense feelings for two different people back to back. When I jog now it depends on the song on my headphones whether I conjure up a thought of one or the other. Something quick and new makes me think of stretching post 5K with India but an old song will make me remember mine and Door Key's route and him mooning me as he gained speed on me. Is this psychologically healthy?
Truth is I'm embarressed by my own one step back, one step forward dance. And I'm afraid that by telling someone I may realize my fear--that I'm not really over one and therefore my feelings aren't all true for the other. And honestly, I don't want to really go there and analyze that. It's all speculation anyway. Door Key is over--like it or not. And India is here, real, and now.
All the same, bad news from abroad woke me up in a phone call from my mom and only one knows. I can't bring myself to talk about it all with India yet. It's easier with Door Key, he reads me like a book. He knows what to say and I don't have to worry about how he is going to look at me because we are so far past that. So Door Key knows what's going on in my head. And India was the victim of a surprise morning visit because I couldn't go back to sleep alone. I needed to be held and right now India plays that role. Eventually, if things continue in a progressive direction, India will become a confidant as well. But I think I still want to keep Door Key as a mentor. I love him. And the coward in me doesn't want to let that go. Probably until I know that someone else loves me again.
I am chicken-shit.
I hate myself for it.
All I hope is that I don't hurt India in all this. I really want us to be the real deal. I know he can be. I just have to let myself go with him. And I'm trying. When I steal side glances of him I know this is better than what the end of me and DK were. India is so much more comfortable in his skin that he amazes me sometimes. He can talk to anyone, no pretention, no prejudice, no nose-scratching-ceiling. I can't remember now who said it to me the other day--they said when they first met him they thought he was just some regular old Joe but after having a real conversation with him they realized how versatile, well-versed, and interesting he is. I thought that quite a compliment. Because he is all those things, he may not grab your attention like Door Key does with his strong opinions, quirkiness, and out spoken attitude. But he is cool bumming with me in a dive in Shapira or dragging me to tapas in Neve Tzedek. He definitely suites the Chameleon in me.
We have started out quite blissfully. I just have to be patient. It's ok if I am sentimental of DK, he'll never be right for me like India suites me now. And if today Door Key told me to follow him to Nepal I think I am too deeply entrenched in India to leave.

Current Mood: confused

I'm sitting at work now just day dreaming so thought I'd make a post.
It's been a weird week.
After making a collection of boys' numbers I actually went out on some dates this week. My fellow Syo school mate was my first victim. Gingi. He was cute and sweet and I got a kiss good night much to my dismay. I was hoping the whole date that he wouldn't go in for the kill. But he did. It wasn't so bad. If anything, at least all these boys have taken my mind off Door Key.
Sunday I got an email back from a guy from one of my classes that I have been eyeing. He didn't show up for class last week so I had written him to see what's up. When I saw him in class this week I got bold and asked him out so he took my number. Don't know what made me do it--guess maybe all the other guys chasin gme gave me some sort of ego boost. By class together the next day we made plans to go out. But before getting some intoxing beverages we sat for coffee where I had one of my Marissa moments.
We just chatted a bit and it came up how he had lived in central Tel Aviv for a while though now he lives up by the university. And guess who his previous roommate was? Yeah. Gingi. Just fk me. How is it possible that the first 2 possible guys that I go out with know each other?
In all honesty I wasn't too concerned about the guy from class, India, I was more annoyed that it was going to be complicated letting down Gingi since we have mutual friends and I don't want to be an asshole.
Porblem is I really like India. Yeah, me. The one who a week ago couldn't think of laying lips on another guy and wondered if I would hold burning flame for Door Key to the end. I have that feeling like I want to explode just sitting next to him. I love it. He kind of reminds me of Door Key a bit--I hope its because I am starting to develop a type and not because I'm not over him yet. He's average height with dark soft hair and eyes I can't take my own off of. They're hazel and I swear every time I've seen him they are a different color. In class I sit there watching his profile--his eye lashes blinking over those orbs make me want to drag him to the bottom floor of the library and do bad things to him (note to self--fulfill this fantasy). Plus something about his hands makes me want them all over me. He has that I don't care what I wear approach to style that I love, not Tel Avivian born and raised but he rents here alone (yeah for being independent), and he's smart. Gotta love the ones that participate in class and know the answers. Yea he makes me swoon.
Our date was cool and casual. And he kissed me when we got to the second bar. It went well and I was already excited for the second date and not knowing how to take the next step. He did it for me by texting me before I even got home and calling the next day. He surprised me and visited me at work even having the audacity to wrap his arms around my waist in front of his friend who came with him. I thought it a little aggressive that he came to see me a day after I had just seen him but you know how it is when you like someone. It doesn't matter. And then we met up casually also yesterday with Schwabs and Tovli. He walked me home and met Pili. We made out downstairs on the doorstep and he didn't even ask to go upstairs even if though it got a little PG-13. Oy I really like him. How did this happen?
I saw Carmel--the dreaded TA that was the reason that I met Door Key to beging with. I just passed her on the street over the weekend. It took me back and made my chest hurt for a mili-second thinking about him and what we have become. It's so strange how fast things change. It's making me wonder.
Something in me makes me think that we're never going to be friends. I'll always have a connection to him. But I don't think we'll ever be like Josh and Nikki like we want to be. I think he's going to grow out of my life. The thought of it makes my heart feel high in my throat. How did a month or so go by and everything change so fast. It's crazy.
When I'm with India I think of no one else. And I don't want to be with anyone else but him. Already. Is that too soon? Am I doing this wrong getting settled too fast? I really shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket--maybe he doesn't really want anything serious with me.
I feel like a hypocrite.
But I also feel good. India is doing me good.

Current Mood: excited

It hasn't gotten much better.
Two thirds through February I was ok. My friends traded off being my backbone the first week while I denied rationality and continued to talk to him. Sunday February 20th though I had a complete meltdown. He came to take notes for a test we were going to have together. I had recommended he collect them from the door but he insisted on coming in. Bad idea.
An hour of hesterics later he had to peel my arms off him to leave.
Literally.
I dragged myself to JellyBean's so that I could concentrate on studying for my Fin' exam. When I saw him come into the room for the exam I felt myself starting to crack up so I breathed, put a piece of gum in my mouth, and looked out the window. I passed with a 77.
I woke up morning after morning crying to myself at first. One morning I actually woke up from a nightmare where he was on the phone with his new girlfriend in front of me trying to hide it. I started crying in the dream and woke up with my pillow fresh with tears.
No gym for the first week. No thoughts but him. And then I finally said to myself that if I am going to be able to do this I have to stop talking to him. So I did. Out of sight is out of mind and for nearly a week I was fine. No tears.
The semester began and I was ok. I silently cried myself the busride to university Monday morning. Of course the first author we began talking about in my first class back was Jack Kerouac. I never studied any of his favorite authors before but now we are. But I couldn't text him the coincidence. Or how cool my random elective was. One of his writers sat next to me in class. He was everywhere and I nearly didn't make it. That night he emailed me in prepartion for the next day when we were due to have a class together. He would avoid me and sit somewhere else he said. I broke down.
The day was even worse He switched seats but all his friends followed him and I saw alone crying. Then afterwards he waited for me and hugged me as I cried.
Friday was my bday and I went back to JillyBean's to get away. I didn't want to celebrate. I wrote all my friends letters of appreciate and even wrote one to him to say everything that I didn't get a chance to. I sent it in reply to his happy bday email. I was miserable. I hate myself.
Today I was a miserable wretch. I was ok most of the weekend but I cried almost all day today. I can't even call anyone because at this point I feel pathetic for still being in pieces.
Part of me thinks I am going to hold a torch for him forever. I badly want to be friends but I don't think that's possible. I always think between men and women that there is always someone who really wants the other in a non-plutonic way. And that would be me.
I contacted a therapist today. I was thinking of it way before any of this but now I feel over the edge. I googled suicide methods today. But I dunno which I have the guts to go through. I would need something not painful or I would chicken out.
FK!!!!!!!!
I just want out. Isn't there a way out of this hell?!

Current Mood: sore

Yep, that's me. Me and Door Key are over. I'm in pieces. I regret it and relive it and really really miss him. But it doesn't matter. It's finito. And I have to start to accept that.
Despite the semi-rationalist in me, I am pretty sure I have broken more than few break up rules. Patheticism is my new past time. I've already called him and asked him to get back with me. Twice. Someone should take away my phone. But I didn't do that yet today so there is a hope.
I'm not sure why I am ok right now. Every morning since Tuesday I have woken up in hesteria. The only nice thing is having that second before I realize that we're not together when I still think we are. I can't sleep in my bed, it's empty even though I slept there more nights a week alone than along side him.
After watching movies about girls breaking up and even being through the break up with another big love before, this is the first time I actually find myself doing all the crazy obsessive things that usually make me wince. Who am I? I'm Break Up Girl. I've become her. I can't think rationally or act with anything else but my emotions. And I hate it. I hate being so cliche and pathetic.
The only thing that is keeping my slightly sane are my friends. They've all been keeping me in check. I've got my Break Up Counselor that despite my insistance that she stay home, came over and wrote her take-home exam at my apartment yesterday bringing with her a collection of DVDs, my favorite munchies, and all the ear and compassion a girl like me could use right now. My roomie, the Pusher, gives me fed with a healthy dose what I need to hear and not just what I want to hear. My new friend has become my pillow, calling my incestantly to make sure I am alive and haven't slit my wrists yet. She may not have the words but just knowing she is worried about me means something to me right now in my loneliness. Miss Tuesday is my Twin, she knows me like she knows herself. And better yet, she has seen me through it all. From my friendship to my crush to my relationship, mini-blip, through all of the rest of our togetherness until today. She knows him too, she's not a good friend but she can tell me when and what and how. Best of all she gets it cause she is just my twin separated at birth. There is also my Ima, my best friend who is married and G-d heavy. So all together I am pretty taken care of. I dunno really how to thank them for having my back while I have been wailing and crying and fitting.
In the meantime I just don't know how to do anything. The last two days every time I set out to start something I just can't go through with it. At times it feels like I have an empty gaping hole in my chest. It's as if someone cut out my lungs with my heart so that I can barely breath. Other times I feel like I have an anchor beating behind my ribs my chest is so heavy with pain. I don't remember feeling like this ever before. Then again Ima said that forgetting is one of G-d's gifts to us. I have to agree. I finally understand the fear of getting attached again. All except one of my other boyfriends just seemed to fade out. I feel crippled.
If only I could try to occupy myself. Except every time I do something I find out I can't do it because it reminds me of him. It is straight out of the movies, everything is a moment with him. He is intertwined in my life I don't know how to do it without him. The last time I had such a big break up I picked up and moved to Tel Aviv from Holon and started a new life. I didn't have to be in the same city, walk the same streets, sleep in the same room that we had our life together. But now I have to deal with it.
Yesterday I did a sweep of my room and apartment and put everything away. All the notes he wrote me that were on my dresser along with all my pictures of him, trinkets he gave me that I kept in my bag, my WALL-E doll, the WALL-E figurines, and the WALL-E DVD because I was obsessed with it and it became our inside joke, his favorite dress, slippers he got me, the couch throw blanket he got me because my old apartment was freezing, the coffee maker and his favorite coffee in my freezer, all other perishables I kept around for him like lady fingers to make tiramisu with, petitim (Israeli couscous), and his favorite tomato sauce, his toothbrush for when he slept over, a monkey doll with a bighead that we deemed our offspring because he looks like a monkey and my nickname is Big Head, the t-shirt he wore around the house, the t-shirt I stole from him for pajamas, the cookbook he got me from my favorite restaurant for my birthday, Oliver Twist with a dedication that he gave me before my summer in NY, a beach ball from our 4th of July BBQ together, my beach hat cause he bought it for me for our trip to the South with his friends Merav and Dror, and I'm sure other things I have forgotten I put away. I don't wanna go in there and check now.
And then there is the list of all the things I can't do for a while . . .
no going to my favorite bakery Ben-Ami our place for sweets
no Lilush breakfasts, the coffee house around the corner
can't make tiramisu or Twix cookies, his favorite desserts
no baking quiches, we learned together
got a new pasta maker but can't use it cause we made it for the first time together
no eating gummies or doritos, our favorite junk food
can't watch gilmore girls or look at heather graham, his celeb crush
can't watch House, How I Met Your Mother, Californication, or any other series we obsessed about
no watching 300, Garden State, or any of the hundreds of movies we saw together
no more jogging along the beach, we did that together
can't take line 27, 7, 32, or 16 cause they all lead to his apartment
no more sushi at work cause we would order on my light shifts
can't go to mitbachon our first casual dinner
no used book shopping days cause that was out favorite lazy day thing to do
abu adam is off limits for humus
can't wander the city cause that was how we got to know each other in the early days
can't go to our favorite bar in florentine where we sat before we were ever bf/gf
no pizza hunts for the best in tlv
yogo, can't go, he got me some to go and surprised me with it when i got back from NY
Rothchild is a no-go the bouledvard I used to live off of and we used to stroll
South America is done for travel options since all his travel stories are from there
Carmiel, his home town, is now off my radar
reading magazines kills me in new ways cause he would grab the newspaper and me a mag to relax on Friday mornings
the university campus is heart break city since we met and made tracks just about everywhere there
Lima Lima is an X since it reminds me of the night he came dancing with me even though it was gay night
have to find a new bus stop since we would wake up and wait there before classes together
i hate studying because all my note books are studded with notes from him too
Radio Rosco, our New Years Eve dinner local is for sure gone to me
Fosters, the bar we sat last before we broke up
I hate movie watching, reading, sleeping, eating, going out, staying in and just about anything else there is to do because in some way, shape, or form we have done it together and it will remind me of how he looked and what we said and the pieces of my heart will break into smaller pieces.
I feel like I have a movie reel in my head that keeps replaying scenes from our relationship and the only solution is a labatomy or that process from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
We didn't have the perfect relationship and I know this is for the best but I just feel like a raw wound. I love him and I miss him. I need him and he doesn't want to give it another chance. It all feels like a big mistake and I don't know if I can get over him.

Current Mood: crushed

Hating myself is an everyday ordeal. That's not healthy but nothing I can do about it. I am a full blown bulemic. There I admitted it. Not that is makes me feel any better. Saying it out loud just lets me know what I already know--that I am unhappy. I know logically that being skinny shouldn't be what makes me happy but it is. And I am ashamed at myself every time I look in the mirror. Because nearly 5 months since my last post and I have dropped nothing! I have probably gained.

Door Key knows. Some of it. I didn't give him details of my body mistreatment. I feel to fat for treatment. Even though it's what I need. I need this bug in my brain out.

I am flying to NY in 6 days and I feel awful. I am ashamed to get off the plane and look like this. I have 6 days to lose as much as possible. But tonight I am going out with Door Key's family for dinner. Have to lax it up afterwards. There goes sleeping over. Why am I like this? What the fk is wrong with me? Why is it that all I can do is hope to die? No more second chances. I am tired of them.

Things are not nearly as shit as I make them out to be. Door Key likes to point that out to me. All my logic tells me I am s stupid spoiled brat getting upset over what I do. But how do you help yourself? How do you make yourself not get upset over what moves you? I am such a baby.

If I had any guts I would be a self abuser. But I got none. I suppose that's why I am still here typing and not drowning in the Mediteranean. That would be so appropriate. With all my water signs and name liked to me, to just let it engulf me whole.

Sometimes I wonder where it all started. I have stalked ed sites regularly for a while now. And even though he extremes I've taken have been somewhat recent, about a year or so, I remember the same issues sometimes as flashbacks. What am I going to do with myself?

Door Key is perfect. He doesn't understand though. I don't expect him to. I know I am insane for what I do to myself. How do you make yourself react differently to outside stimulii?

Things have totally crumbled family-wise. I have disowned my father for another of reasons. Namely his selfishness and revenge on my mother taken through me and my sisters and even Jonathan. He's a liar and a disgusting excuse of a human being. He doesn't even deserve the name father. He's David. I want to change my last name to get rid of his impression on me. And not to sound immature, but he forgot my birthday this year. Even if I wasn't so apt on celebrating it, that's no reason for him to ignore it. Reched. I would spit on him if I saw him now.

My mother is no angel but at least I know she has my back. She angers me with a lot of things. She doesn't get me. She doesn't even know me. She didn't even understand what I have been majoring at university. She thought I was going for social work. She doesn't know why I am here in Israel. I don't know why I am here in Israel. I don't know why I am here at all. I just want to go away.

I have Door Key, but that's about it. Everyone else is so flighting. This life is just not worth it. Get me out of here. I can't do it myself.

Current Mood: lonely

What is wrong with me? I got my period last night in the middle of my first shift at work so I feel like the fattest piece of shit right now. Ah! I just want to hide until I am skinny again. 6 weeks until my birthday and I am going to be a fat disgusting blob. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the bathroom today and I wanted to die. I am so gross it hurts. But it still isn't helping me get back to being thin. Especially now with my wretched proof of womanhood creeping up on me. I gained a bloated 3lbs since I got it. That's it. No more healthy trying to lose weight. I need to do what works--fasting. No nothing. No coffee, no sucking candies. Nada. It's 8:15pm on January 22nd and from this minute on I am going to keep to something and stop being a fk up. It was just about this time last year that I finally took matters into my own hands and dropped 20 lbs. I can do this. Now is only I had a tent to put on tomorrow for class. It's raining so maybe I'll just wear my jacket all day. I saw the Jewess today, my ex-coworker and idol. She looked amazing. I'm surprised she isn't repulsed by my fatness. I wish I had every class with her as motivation. G-d knows I need it. I seriously suck.

Current Mood: gloomy

Why can't I just do the simplest thing and make myself happy. Why can't I just stay away from food so I can wake up in the morning and not hate my existance? Why? Why! I don't want to have to face tomorrow. I wish I had no class. I just want to stay in bed all day.

My new manager just called and told me to come in at 10 instead of 7. Thank G-d. I'm feeling really lazy. It's 430 now and I would really like to work out before work so I don't feel like a blob. Actually I doubt that feeling is going away. Maybe just less like a blob. That would be nice.

The university strike is finally over. I should be happier but now I'm actually kind of nervous. First of all I feel like a total fat-ass, so thought of showing my face or trying to get myself up and dressed in the morning seems bleak. The only good thing is that now I'll be busier with classes and school work (and real work) so I can get back some order in my life. I lose the most weigh when I'm really preoccupied and don't have time to think about eating. Actually I still obsess about eating, but I don't have time to fit in the actual process of it. So even though the first week or so back I am sure to feel like a disgusting piece of shit in leggings and big tunics trying to hide myself and my insecurities. If all goes well I should drop enough weight to fit into jeans the way I want to within about 2 weeks. That's not all bad. What's stupid is that I actually get a thrill out of thinking about starting over and being thin. Er.

I just ate some cauliflower the way my mom usually makes it because I was feeling homesick and sorry for myself like I usually do. I almost broke down on the street talking to my mom. Isn't that pathetic. I am such a loser. G-d I need a life.

Thursday night me and Door Key went out for Kipa's birthday. That was cool. I hadn't seen him or Wednesday in over a month. It's funny how things work out. Kipa brought along his new girlfriend. They are really cute together. But it just got me thinking, what if things had gone right between me and him. I wouldn't be with Door Key. My crush on Door Key has come first but he was with his now ex at the time and I didn't think I had a chance so I has turned my attention to Kipa. I wouldn't want it any other way. But it just made me think "what if . . .".

It's a pity it's winter. I looked back at pictures from the summer and I miss it. I miss how tan I looked. Don't we all say that during the winter? Well it's my turn now. I want to look beautiful and tan like I in my pictures! Of course I know I didn't feel that way then. But that's what I see looking at them now.

So new plans. New goals. I checking out what I think my mom's BMI is and decided that's what I should aim for. I want my average weight to be about 44kg. And bounce up and down between 43 and 45. That's a good weight for me. I'll be skinny but not ill then. I have a long way to go until then though. This semester has got to be better than this past lack one has been. It's just gotta. Things have to get better.

Current Mood: determined

So I am not really sure where to begin. I don't even remember so much of what was going on the last time I was here. Something tells me it was the start of this stall I'm in now. I am depressed, severely unhappy, and deliriously bored. And I should be none of this.

Door key. My Door key. My babyboy. I am so in love. I have found him. That other half of you that we all go on searching for. He truly does complete me and complement me. He just gets me. There is no other way to put it. Stupid me is constantly jeopardizing our balance. So I spend more energy than necessary trying to make up for sucking at life to make sure he is happy with us. But it's all worth it. He is my grounding. Without him I would surely not find any reason in my existance at all.

Everything just sucks. I am disappointed with the way studies are going. The university is constantly striking so my degree is not fulfilling at all. Not educationally nor time wise. My indefinite future seems more and more like it is holding on my a thread. I hate to put so much emphasis on a degree--but it is only with it that I will finally feel more certain. I have put it off and played around with it for so long, I just want it over with. And I want it to guarentee me membership to the working world outside of waitressing. I want it for security.

Parents separated should me something good, but thier unamicable split has only stressed me out more because of my financial standings. I miss my mom more knowing she is alone. And even though I was semi-miserable in NY all summer, I still want to go back and be with her.

My obsession witht food and control finally developed into a clinically diagnosed bulimia. Looks like apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all. It's become a hateful relationship. I never happy unless I feel thin. And when I am thin I am never happy because I can't eat. It's this awful pattern of happy = eating = getting fat = unhappy. There is no winning. Today of all days I am at high weight. I have 7.5 weeks until my bday and I just want to be able to get out of bed and put on any of my clothes that morning. I don't want to feel like today. Like I want to hide from the world until all the fat shrinks away.

I just don't know how to make myself happy anymore. Jobs aren't coming my way very quickly so my time is totally idle. I should be happy. I have a boyfriend. A best friend. An amazing roommate. And I am at a healthy weight. But it's not enough.

I feel empty. I want to be empty. I want this all just to be over with. Get rid of the monotony or get rid of me.

Current Mood: depressed

It's eating away at me. This slump I feel I'm in. The more I get the more I feel alone and the more I don't want to be here at all. I hate this. But I don't even know what this is. I don't even know why I am so fking upset and so I can't do anything to fix it. I just want to stay in bed all day. I just want to scratch off my skin.

Is that normal? I just want to die. I want not to be here. I want to disappear into thin air, evaporate. Nothing does me any good anymore. Even the sweetest things are spoiled by whatever is devouring me from the inside out.

Door Key just keeps getting more and more perfect. I think he must have someone attained the manual on How to Be a Perfect Boyfriend. He listens to everything, pays attention to every detail, and shifts to make me happy. He says all the right things, holds me just like I need to be held, calms all my qulems. How the hell did I find someone like him? Why the fk do I deserve someone like him? I don't.

As slow as we try to take it, things are speeding up without any help of our own hands. My mind is constantly taking day trips to cloud 9 all because of him. I wish I could tell him how much his presence means to me right now. But I don't want to scare him away. I need him right now. If he wasn't around then neither would I be right now. I'm in such a pit at the moment. If he weren't out there holding out a rope then I might have fallen into my own abyss already.

How do you when it's time to let go? When my tears have finally lost their saline taste I wonder if that's it. It's time, but I'm not brave enough to do it. He calls me brave, but I don't think he knows what brave is. At least not when he looks at me. Anything that looks like bravery is an accident. He disagrees, but I know I'm right. My weakness is my sheild.

I hope this inner parasite takes what it wants of me already and then leaves me alone so I can be happy for a while.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Boys Like Girls

I'm actually on campus right now. Seems to be my second home this semester. My schedule is really shit with tons of awkward windows. It's definitely an instigator to my disappointment and melancholy this start of the semester. Not much I can do about it. I have to suck it up and stick it out until this sequence is over--let's see that'll be around mid June. Then finals. Then NY.

In the meantime things have been pretty stable. I grew out of my homesickness somewhat. I am still a little distraught and confused about what I want from myself and people. I have mostly been avoiding all the big questions in my head about where and who and how and instead made my life's tediousness my concentration. It's weird--I have become entirely obsessed with organzing my school work, plans with friends, and just about anything.

I feel so stuck between places sometimes. I have let my relationship with my mother become more fruitful and easy. I've really missed her. And as I get more attached to her again, I feel myself yearning for NY more. It doesn't help that this week I spoke to Adam. I know he is impossibly unrealistic. But he encourages my infatuation with that things he says. When I commented on my need for challenge he only put my into words. My incessant desire for challenge and interest only leads me to nothing because in the end I want what I can't have--the ultimate challenge. Such is my life in boy world currently anyway. I have well developed crushes on people but those that I can't have (Mr. Kipa, Door Key), and then I regress to making them good friends since I can't have them romantically. So I mentioned that it applies to him too. He then had to throw in that actually I am the one who turned away and that he hasn't. I am not sure if I'm reading it correctly, but what I understand from that he still likes me too. Hmmm.

Seems that, in my own provincial mind, everyone seems to readmitting thier affinity for me all at once. Adam's tiny confession isn't the only one I've gotten from my lasting crushes. Mr. Kipa has been on my case insisting on plans. He's so sweet and so cute. He would be such an awesome boyfriend. Why is he married to G-d? Door Key has also been up my butt for plans. I wonder if I have become anti-social without my own notice. Could be. Concerning Door Key, I am not sure how permanent, but he broke up with his girl friend of 4 years. I was pretty sure it was temporary but he's denying it completely. But now that he is finally single and still confessing and crossing lines with me--can I make it go the way I want it? I think I'll just have to not take the initiative and see if he makes any determining moves. Cause I am not even sure I want him anymore. Fkin challenge enigma.

Doesn't seem to be that I have a problem meeting boys already this start of the semester though. I am not sure if I left out or not all my weirdo stories from last semester when I have taken a break from being so blogalicious. But it seems that my magnet is back in effect.

I'll start with my freak bus incident. I had been minding my own business in the Jerusalem central bus station waiting to get back to Tel Aviv when some lil arsi teenager came and sat next to me. He started off being oh you're so pretty, how old are you, where are you going? I couldn't be bothered but I suffered through introductions where he claimed to be a lawyer (yeah right!) and from Tel Aviv. He ask if we could be friends and what do you say to that. Yes. The bus came and I got up to board. He told me to save him a seat, which I has no intention of doing. While he ran off I got on the bus and sat myself with a soldier. He didn't get on the bus but right before we pulled out he showed up with nearly no place to sit. He somehow convinced the soldier to switch seats with him. Lucky me. So I just pretended to ignore him having my headphones on. That wasn't such a great plan it turned out. He started throwing a fit that I wouldn't respond to him. And why wouldn't I talk to him if I was his GIRLFRIEND! Apparently I misinterpretted our "friendship" exchange. I didn't know what to say but that was OK because he took full action. He went in for a smacker on my lips. Ick! I don't think I could have been more stunned. I forgot all physical defense and wiped the big wet one off my mouth and ran to the back of the bus. Fortunately he didn't follow me. Needless to say I was a bit taken a back.

Wait, I have yet another episode in my life's endless foul hits. I was on campus last week walking in an area that I don't normally venture. Someone there that I didn't recognize waved at me and instinctively I waved back. That was the whole encounter until later in the week. While sitting at one of the campus cafes he plopped himself down next me and said hey. I apologized and admitted I didn't recognize him, and requested to know who he us. He was disappointed that I didn't remember him but he remembered me very well. He knew of Pili and my studies last year and other random details. So I had to know him from somewhere but I didn't know where. So I asked where we knew each other from and he said we met on the beach. That's fair enough. I know I meet all sorts of random people on the beach that I don't remember. But I still thought maybe I could place him so I asked him to tell me about himself. He told me he was studying law and lived in Rohovot. And, oh yeah, we slept together! What!!!! That much I knew wasn't true. I think I know who my legs have been uncrossed for and who not. He then started to get angry at me for denying his accusation. He began to tell me I was a slut and started throwing insults like how many guys do I take home from the beach?! Yo! He also left in somewhat of a flash after bruising my ego and making a scene. How do people like this find me?

So, no luck with those two encounters. Yaniv is setting me up with his current boy's friend. I've only spoken to him on the phone twice and we have tentative plans for this Thursday. Seems nice. He's half Finnish. I sure am making it around the globe in my dating life. Last year around this time I have a Scottie, I wonder if now I'll get a Fin? Who knows? I don't have much expectations for him. I have no clue what he looks like. The only real data I've collected is as follows: 26, Raanana native, oldest of 3 boys, studies accounting in Rishon, friend of a gay guy. Not bad stats. We'll have to see how they integrate with mine on Thursday.

I have nothing else to blab about. Class in 30 min and Lauren in 10 days. Woohoo!

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Copeland

My birthday was this week. But it was completely unexciting and I didn't even want to celebrate it really. I felt kind of like Emm normally does on his bday. Except I wasn't depressed about getting older, I just didn't want any attention over it.

I am still stuck this downer rut. Homesickness is still overcoming me. I haven't had a bout of it for so long nearly ever. It is beginning to make me wonder if I am really homesick or if it's something else. Maybe I am most simply just depressed.

You know what scares me? I meet guys all the time, but I am not even interested in them. Door Key pointed in out the other day. I was telling him about this Argentinian guy I met in one of my classes. We exchanged numbers but I was still disappointed. And so Door Key told me that I don't really want a boyfriend. I just want the game. I wonder if that's true. I can understand that analysis to a certain point, but I do want someone. Don't I? I am beginning to worry about my complacentness and comfortable attitude to singledom. It will be nearly a year soon since the Scottie, my last semi-relationship.

I have resorted to being a control freak when it comes to my studies. I have put all my frustration into organizing my studies and stuff. This semester I have Thursdays off besides my "teaching" volunteering. So it's almost as if I have a 3 day weekend. I like that.

Lauren will be coming to visit in less than 3 weeks. I cannot wait. I cannot believe it's so soon. I feel like I have been waiting for her to visit all year. That's crazy. I wonder what will happen after she has come and gone. I won't have anything else to look forward to until I go back to NY.

This post is so boring. My life is so boring. I was thinking recently what it would be like not to be here. My life is nothing but at the same times I turn all the trivialities of it into my greatest frustrations. I do not even know how I would ever take my own life. I am too chicken.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Copeland

Fk. I don't even know where to begin it's been so long since I've sat down here to write. I kept writing to myself in my head because this semester has not lacked any drama. I don't even know how I'm going to recall all the stupid instances and tribulations. But I'll try. Cause it's about time. I need to write. It's my solace.

I think I'll begin with the family because that's what's about to come to end. My mom was just here visiting last week. It was a bittersweet vacation. We didn't do anything, not even shopping, we just laid around and went for coffee and met up with my friends. I started off the week angry and frustrated at her for this horrible summer. But of course by the end of the week it melted away so that I regretted making her cry a few times. And now I'm the one crying cause I miss her like mad. I am actually in one of my longest ruts of home sickness I have felt in a while. It's going on a week tomorrow.

So my parents' marriage is passed being on the rocks. It fell into the sea earlier in the semester and now it's barely keeping its head above water. My mom is way passed the guy she was with this summer. But my dad still isn't keeping up and now he's really screwing up. He's taken out a credit card individually behind her back, drained their money markets, and withdrawing from thier 401K. He had to even forge her signiture on some of it. I never thought he had that in him. I know my mom used to hide money from him. But she never touched it, just kept it out of his reach so he couldn't steal it since most of it was mine and my siblings. Once again, my mom was right on target judging people. So yeah, needless to say she is angry and lost.

Along with all that, my dad has written me a few letters of remorse and regret, trying to get close to me after all this time. Unfortunately, it's hard to get past all the years he chose not to be involved. And I really don't mind the status quo. He'll always be my dad, and I'll always love him unconditionally but I don't want him to confide in me. I am not ready for it. His letters are awful, he's sad, and aging, and incapable of moving on. I know my parents don't get along--but it funny how lost they both are without each other.

This semester of classes was pretty cool, I made a bunch of new friends and I really enjoyed it. Add to your new words, Door Key aka Dorky, Wednesday, and Kipa. Wednesday and I met in English Culture but she also studies Sociology. It's nice to have another girl friend. Shes awesome, I'm glad I had her with me and will have her with me through my studies. We're so alike sometimes it's scary. We really think alike. Door Key and I bumped into each other in a make-up class. Of course, he was drawn in my accented Hebrew and I quickly became one his lunch groupies. He is the epitome of his nickname, but I developed a crush on him anyway. The sucky detail is that of course he has had a girl friend for the past 4 years. Can we say married without a ring. So, though he claims I'm his best friend on campus and we see each other regularly, my crush is just that. Kipa is my psuedo-American buddy from English and also study Soc with me. I added him to mine and Wednesday's duo. Go figure, I ended up pining over him as well. After crossing my signals, I went in for a kiss and got denied. It was more gruesome than that, but it doesn't matter cause we had no awkwardness and moved on with our friendship, thankfully. He still sends me mixed signals--calling all the time, going out of his way for me, etc. Whatever. No more there.

There are a few other characters like Lil Miss Sunshine, a girl I met who if she didn't always talk about her boyfriend I would think was trying to get in my pants. She's always insulting me and my Hebrew (though she insists speaking English with me) and stalks me on campus, but whatever. She paid for the bus twice just to get on a bus with me back to TLV. But, hey, to each their own. She finds me translations of my Hebrew articles. So I can't entirely hate her. There is Cucaracha, this weird, squeaky kid who chases me down in classes speaking Chinese to me. Why? I dunno. Even he didn't understand. He asked me if I was Chinese. No, buddy. I am missing those almond shaped eyes, jet-black hair, and Mandarin tongue. Idiot! Who else? Oh, there is Grungey. He's this dirtbag that always talks to me about the most random shit and that I can't properly avoid somehow. I have too many talks about the amount of cornflakes he eats in the morning and the style of his greasy hair. Yeah, people are weird. And I'm a magnet for them. It's a unanymous decision by Wednesday and Kipa. They would never believe most of my stories, but they are actually there to witness them most of the time. Like the monkey in my soc class that asked why I am not African American since Marissa sounds like Shaniqua or something. Or the weird fellow restauranteur who asked if he could record me and Kipa talking to show kids what fluent English sounds like. Go record an episode of Friends, ya manyiac. Yo!

So, my romantic life has been pretty bland. My heart went from the Katzin, to Door Key to Kipa and then to this professional soldier I had gotten to know as a roommate of Tomer. I only met him twice and had told Tomer that he was cute. Well, when he finally got dumped by his then girlfriend, the word spread and he took hold of my number. At first I was ecstatic. I thought it would be perfect because he's not around alot and I busy with classes most of the time. Too bad the second date he nearly ripped my clothes off. Timing is everything, and week two of dating womanly matters kept his lil soldier behind enemy lines. I had no intention of giving any flowers to this dude. Besides his raging hormones, he criticized my Americaness but insisted on speaking English with me, and fell asleep all but 1 time that I came over to hang out. What's up with that. Yeah. So after dragging on our sexless, too much TV watching start to a relationship, I avoided him and he eventually got the point.

Finals are really sucking. I have one more left this Friday, and I still haven't done much for it. I'm such a lazy ass sometimes. Lauren gets here in 6 weeks to visit for Pesach and that's all I'm really counting down until. My bday is in 2-3 weeks, but I don't really care. I actually hope people forget about it. I am not in the mood to celebrate these days. I probably won't get so lucky. Like usual, I remembered everyone else's birthdays and even threw a surprise party for Emm this year. So, even if it's small, the chance of disappearing doesn't seem likely. At this point, that's all I really wanna do.

Despite all the good, it always not enough. Wednesday is cool but she's a little flakey and so independent that I feel like I kinda ruin her style. Emm and Yaniv are themselves, just never all there or with it. Door Key and Kipa are pretty good, but they have thier own issues to deal with. Gillian is still the one I always turn to but now that she is married, it's always, me her and Matanya now. Even after she introduced me to her friend NYUee, I can't help but feel lonely. NYUee has started up a romance with another Tekoa boy. So when I go out there I can feel like a 5th wheel. Woot! Jordana moved back to Toronto for a while. So it's me and Pili against the world again as a new semester starts and the spring is not far off here in Tel Aviv.

I don't want to rush things or anything. I don't even know what I'll be doing this summer. But I miss my mom and my sisters. I want to be in NY laying with them and doing nothing. My down time here is so lonely it's amazing. It's not like I want more friends or anything. I just want better ones.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Regina Spektor

It's been a long morning. I woke up and stepped in throw up. No, not my own. Not Emm's or Pili's either. Emm went out with one of his managers last night. Apparently she crashed at our apartment last night. In light of that favor she woke up in the middle of the night, threw up all over the couch and living room, left it there, and went to sleep back in the bed. I tried to be reasonable at first and think maybe she was so drunk when it happened that she didn't realize but then wouldn't she have passed out by it or in it? Or at the very least if she couldn't clean it up, tell Emm so he could help her. Or something! No. She left it. And so I cleaned up stranger barf before 9 this morning. I purposefully woke her up an hour late for work as a thank you. I was sitting in my bed when she left Emm's room and turned and look at the couch. She knew it had been there and that it some how had disappeared but she didn't bother to offer thanks to me or Emm for cleaning it up. Lovely girl.

Yesterday was also a morning I wish I had stayed in bed. I had a makeup lecture and I was running early so I grabbed borekas on the way to the bus stop. I saw the bus pass but it was before 8 and didn't have to be on campus until 915. I knew I would be early even with the next bus. Except the next bus never came. I waited over a half hour before I followed a girl I recognized from my class onto another bus line that I didn't know well. At least I was on a bus, but luck wasn't with me. The stupid bus driver managed to hit a parked car. So much for getting there on time.

Thursday I had my first teaching lesson in which I got told I sound like Brit ney Spears. It was uplifting. It seems this week people are just taking hit at my language. That comment after being told by a girl, who forced her friendship on me in anthropolgy, that she doesn't want me to sspeak Hebrew to her because she can't understand me since I speak with an American accent and I sound like I'm speakinging English. Thanks a lot.

After teaching on Thursday night I showered and passed out. But Emm's friend, and my aquaintance, Tomer rang the door bell at 130 in the morning and woke me up. I was nice and made us coffee. Bad idea to have caffeiene in the middle of the night cause I couldn't go back to sleep. Hence the reason I was up early and out of the house for the bus yesterday morning. So when the class was over I went to the book store that had copied my syllubus to help me find the articles. The brainiacs at the store only looked for a few first articles that I had NOT circled for them to find since I already had the translations. They stopped there bc they decided, for me, it would cost too much to order each individually. It was running about 40-50 shekels per article/book. Idiots! I made them look for some others but they looked on Amazon like I had, they found the same things I had found. What a waste of time. They recommended the library. I tried to explain that I had done that already but without much more I left. So much for that. I think I'm just going to go to the extra help and hope they go over the articles well that I'm missing.

I was exhausted when I got home so I fell asleep. Yaniv had sent me a message in the morning to come with him to his family's for dinner and I had said ok. He was supposed to let me know what time during the day but instead he called when he finished working and told me to come down. I rushed to throw something on and fix the rat's nest on my head to no avail. I like that he includes me with his family. It's nice to feel like I have some here, I go to see them as often as he does. I go with everytime he goes which is really not a good sign. Too much linkage there.

It gets more awkward each time I go. But I still go, more for myself then for Yaniv or them. Which is selfish, I know. His mom likes me too much. She sat me next to her and held her hands on my lap through the evening. His older sisters started prying about my family and they wanted to go on Google Earth to see my family's house in NY. Luckily, the internet was down. Phew. In the middle of them grueling me on my natural hair color and which mascara I use they insisted on involving Yaniv on what he thinks about how I look. Lol. I'm just glad his nephew's Bar Mitzvah is during the summer so I won't be in Israel to go to it. That would be a mess.

I spent the ride home listening to Yaniv's theories on massage and how the soul and body are all connected. Blah blah blah. He's only had two classes so far but he insists on talking about it as if it's his life and that he really knows that much about it. He's usually like that. Every new thing that occurs in his life he takes to heart and pushes it on evereyone else. I had to bite my tongue not to apply some of my own new theories on him but I figured that would be hypocritical.

I'm in one of my contemplative moods. I hate it when my mind is working over drive. I get awfully critical and I tend to start weeding people and things out. I already managed to clean/organize my room. And now I am on to debating and analyzing my friendship with Jordana. I have had a hard time dealing with her and her bf recently. She finally got pricked in the butt the other week and she is actually looking for jobs, but in slow motion. She came over twice last week to edit her resume and she sent it to a few places--some even real jobs not just telephone operator positions. But she still sleeps past 2 in the afternoon when her bank account is in minus. It takes a lot to listen to her complain about her situation because from where I stand she did it to herself. She tried to sell her gym membership that she used once with me last year. I sold mine a while back when I realized I wouldn't use it. She waited and now the gym went bankrupt and the owner fled the country. So in short she can't get anything for it. She called me freaking out about it and complaining about Israeli society. Yeah, it's upsetting and wrong--but she waited too long and this is what you get. That's awful to say, but that's how it works sometimes. Besides who is she to whine about the way things work here when she tried last week to milk her citizenship for all it's worth by ways of undeserving unemployment checks.

She didn't exactly redeem herself last night when she called me after 1 to invite me to a party thrown by the same friends that threw the party I met the Katzin at. If she had wanted me there or really intended to invite me I think she could have told me about it before she got there. I was insulted by the weak invitation and was in the middle of statistsics hw but was actually thinking of stopping by since I hadn't really been out in a while. But then she sent me an awkward sms saying I don't have to come if I don't want to. What the fk! So I didn't go.

The Katzin--well I basically tried to get rid of him too. We talked before Shabbos last week when I was at Gillian's place. But I didn't talk to him all week on purpose. I decided last weekend that it was better that things just fade out since they weren't going anywhere anyway. Plus I was pretty sure he was being overly nice and responding to my messages and calls out of courtesy rather than interest. I've done that before when I don't want to insult someone. When you're waiting for the other person to clue in that you're just not interested. It worked until yesterday when he contacted me to see how my week was andd stuff. There boys go leaving me stumped yet again. One of these days I'll realize that there is no way to read them and that I'm never really going to get it.

Let's see. What else. Lauren called me earlier in the week all upset because things are in a bind at home. Apparently my parents had it out. I called my mom to get the more detailed story. From what I understand, for their anniversary my Dad had bought my mom something for Victoria's Secret. It wasn't her style but she wanted to be civil and exchange it for something else and keep the gift from him. But my mom, being the tiny woman she is, couldn't find anything that fit her there that she liked so since he had the reciept in the bag to return it. Like any married couple my parents have shared credit cards that have the same number so that even if he bought it, my mom can put the money back on the same card by swiping her own. Except it turns out that he didn't buy it with a shared credit card. He bought it with one that he took out on his own--something my mom didn't know about and he kept from her. So not only is he spending money and owning a credit card of his own, he is also hiding the bills. My mom deals with all the money between them, she balances the check books, desposits the money, and pays all the bills. So either he is only paying the minimum on the bills and accumulating debt in my parents' names or he isn't depositing his whole salary in their joint account anymore and keeping money on the side. My mom is of course betrayed (not that she didn't betray him in different ways already) and furious.

With the decline of their marriage my mother is taking it out on herself. Lauren actually called worried about my mother because she has gotten skinnier since I left. She was already at one of her lowest weights this summer which I associated with dating the guy and wanting to be comfortable with her body around him. I know she never loses weight through healthy means and that she never really had any weight to lose but there is no way to really negotiate food with someone suffering from at eating disorder. Because it's not about the food. So I tried to talk my mom into putting on some weight over the phone but its like talking to myself. She told me this week that she put on a few lbs but that she has to do it her own way, little by little. I know that, but I also know that she yo-yos. I am not really sure what to do about it. She needs to see someone but she would never admit that or do it herself and there is no one to force her to go.

I just wrote Gillian a really long e-mail detailing most of this since she really is the only one who gets me. I'm just so glad I've got her to count as a friend. Sometimes when I'm daydreaming with my headphones on I think about it and smile to myself. I don't have anyone else who really listens to to my banter and venting as much as she does and does it as well. Even Emm, who is so pure, completely misses the target more often than not. He doesn't really get it. I thanked her for always being there for me even when I am cursing the world and being self-involved and just not being as good a friend back to her. She never patronizes me and she never treats me with pity. She's always armed with the best advice and rational words when they are needed the most. When ever I think of her I get a rush because I am so happy for her. She's inredible and I am glad to be able to share in her life. I am excited for everything that is happening for her. I don't have the words to say what it means to watch her with Matanya and see the two of them intertwining their lives together. It makes believe it is possible. That maybe one day it will happen to me too.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Regina Spektor

So all the hope I threw up into the air dissapated and I'm back where I started. Frenchy failed. One I these days I'll learn that I do not get boys. And I never will. But until then I still pretend to read their actions and interpret them correctly. I mean who would know getting phoned 4 times a day everyday means that they don't like you? I really got one from left field this time.

Yeah, so after obsessive calling from Frenchy he got out of the army for the Sukkot holiday and invited me to join him at a friend's place in Eilat. I figured why the hell not, it's an excuse to get out of Tel Aviv. Big mistake. Besides a sweet 5 hour ride sleeping on his lap all I got was a lot of reading time and a renewed motivation for learning French (or Spanish or Italian--one of those Latin languages). Him and his little stoner buddy spent all day sleeping. When they were awake they smoked more constantly than I have ever seen people in my life. And I've had my fair share of herbal smoking friends. Along with that, they spoke French with out adding the least bit Hebrew so I could understand. So after a day of sitting on the hammock with a book, I fetched a bus back to TLV.

But wait, that's not all. Waiting at the bus station I wanted to edit his name in my cell phone like I do for all people I never want to hear from again. I put a little 'x' in front of their name so that I know I don't want to answer when they call. But I never delete names just in case they call. I want to be able to be a bitch and screen them (come on, you know you do it too). Only, when I went to find him in my phone, his number had been deleted. The little ass had the audacity to remove himself from my phone! Can you believe it? I nearly didn't! I mean, did he really think I was going to call him again?

Well, that's what I get for not living up to the American girl--I guess if I don't put out they don't put up with me. I know that that seems like an over-exaggeration but it is so true a lot of the times. My dates, all the time, go into them thinking I'm going to be this ill-minded, quick to uncross my legs, princess. I rarely meet someone that by the end of a few drinks with me doesn't admit that I am nothing like the "American" they thought I would be. I used to take it as a compliment, but I think it is starting to be a deterent.

Not that that is stopping me at all. I don't like the lime light, but I like try to be a little unique, a little more me. One of these days my quirkiness will stand out to the right person. That's how I look at people anyway. The guys I always go for are the ones that are little different. Maybe in mentality, maybe in aspirations, maybe in upbringing. I was always like that. I remember even as a little girl out of all the dolls sitting there that would look exactly the same to anyone else in the store, I would review them and pick the one with a defect. Ok, maybe that is a bit of a stretch of an analogy. But no one ever said I was good at self-analysis.

I want someone who looks out at the world's population that way. No, not taking awful notice of people's disabilities. But picking up on the things that separate us from one another just to reunite us in the medley we are. I don't want to have to made uncomfortable because I don't dress like an Israeli, or because too many of my friends are guys, that I independent and unsure of my future, for studying something that I cannot get a job out of when I graduate, or for not being undoubtly blunt. In all my past boyfriends, lust makes me turn their peeves into quirks until we break up. It' only then that my view switches and the same things become what I mock of them.

The Katzin and I sms and chat nearly daily, but after getting such a slap in the face from Frenchy my ego has been bruised. I need to pump myself up again. So I am keeping this little soldier boy at low flame as not to let my hopes get popped again. Classes start on Sunday anyway, so I'll have less time on my hands that usually force my mind to my singledom. I'm taking 32 hours this semester. Yeah, academic suicide. Don't remind me.

My mom may visit in February. I decided I was being slightly cruel when I told her not to come yet again this year. I found time for her in the midst of my finals. I have no idea what I am going to do with her here though. I barely talk to her. She always has digs for me. So I get off the phone before I spew too many hurtful things across a phone line. I don't want to hear how everyone of my friends are almost done with thier second to last semester and that I didn't even start my courses yet this year. It's an unnecessary reminder.

Like I'm not in a constant dilemma already trying to deal with my American tendency towards productivity and rushing things while living in Israel who's favorite phrase is "Le'at, le'at".

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Hit The Lights

So I've been back in TLV for about 3 weeks now and despite not having much to busy myself with, there hasn't really been a dull moment. Let's start off where I usually end in these posts: my romantic life. I think I've been on more dates theses last few weeks than the average person goes out on in a year. And every single one of them was a serious failure. Let's recap:

1. The Italian Langerie Designer - This was my fault, a jdate I set up myself. My tolerance level has reduced itself turning 2 glasses into wine my new limit. Drunk I went back to his apartment for coffee. After getting a steaming cup poured on me and having to put up with puppy kissing. It was tongue then lips. Boys, fix it and get it right. So I had a verbal upchuck and let my mouth run before leaving him sitting there with his jaw on the floor.

2. Max Brenner Barman - One visit at the famous chocoalate restaurant gave me enough head turns. But with Yaniv's magic touch he gave my number to the wrong guy and sent me out with the short, balding, non-high school graduate. Yeah, that didn't go far.

3. Mr. Know-it-All Computer Programmer/Chef - I am to blame for this one too, another jdate. Please laugh at me. This one, despite worldiness, couldn't fathom for the life of him why I as an American would want to come to Israel to live. And he topped it off getting in an argument with me over pizza and its Italian-ness. Don't ask.

4. The Punk Rocker - I like to think myself down to earth. But if you're gonna ask me out, let's at least go out. I don't want to sit around your bedroom where the only place to sit is ur bed. Oh yeah, and if you have more clothes than I do, that's not a good sign.

So around here I was a bit frazzled, but it only got better. After my second jdate I was about to give up on the site but hadn't yet removed myself. That was until I got recognized twice in one day on the street from the website. So that fadicha warrented my profile removal. Jordana had been calling me superficial and overly picky until she met one of the jdate pointer-outers and then explained she understood why I hadn't settled yet. In step my friends to set me up because apparently being single is like socially unacceptable or something.

5. This Is Your Brain on Drugs - This is the date that never happened but met anyway. Jordana decided to set me up with her bf's friend's roommate. Some dread-head she claimed to be cute. He forgot our plans twice so I gave up before it began. But I bumped into at a party later in the week and spoke to him. No wonder he couldn't remember anything, his brain was fried beyond repair. Quite a creature.

6. And No More Jazz - Tomo came in from Barcelona to visit also and encouraged his friend to set me up. I told him I liked tall and some sort of brain. I ended up with a skinny lanky white boy who spent the date spewing off electrical engineering through out a jazz concert I nearly dozed off in the middle of. No more.

That's been it for a while. Yaniv and Emm are the same old. Nina and Jordy are my go to girls. And thank G-d Gillian is around this year. She is my sanity. She still really is the only one together enough to give me more advice. And it seems that on my way to visit her some of her luck rubbed off on me . . .

I got stuck sitting next to this smelly older man that kept falling asleep and leaning on me on the way over. I turned around a few times to see if I could move to a seat further back and in the process kept making eye contact with this beautiful boy. I took off my headphones to hear him speaking French and laughing with his friend. But they were soldiers, meaning that their age ranged from about 18-21. I don't want to be a cradle snatcher, but damn was this boy stunning. His friend and him got up and walked around the bus and kept looking at me so I figured I'd try to talk to them while getting off the bus but they got off too fast. I had to scan the crowd to find them when I got off and in all my flusteredness I just tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are just so gorgeous. What's your name?"

Great pick up line. I know. But I was practically drooling. He was one of those guys you point out on the street but never really speak to. He responded to me with his own one liner "Right I know you? I told my friend I know you from somewhere." Haha. I kept on making a fool of myself "No, you don't know me. But I want to know you." Fk, where did I come up with this stuff? Well, at least from there we traded a little information and numbers. Except his phone was dead so he put my number in his friend's phone.

To my amazement the boy called that evening! Yeah, I know. I almost fell off my seat at dinner when I saw it was him. I was still concerned about his age though because I hadn't had the guts to ask his age. Gillian encouraged me to invite him out with us that night in case he was a baby and I needed to dump him with tact. Him and his friends came by but only for a moment where we were sitting in Jerusalem. When they walked back away Gillian reassured me they weren't 18 but I was going crazy not knowing so I just sent him an sms asking his age.

He said 26. What? No way. He was obviously lieing because I had just introduced Gillian and her fiance and they thought I was older. Ugh! But then he called and told me to come away from my friends for a bit so we talk a little bit and get to know each other. And so I did. And fkin a, he is 26. Get this--26, degree in Psychology, spent a year studying in Boston, speaks Hebrew at my level, came here just to try it out for some change, totally eclectic in his foods and music tastes, are you seeing what I see. Can we say too good to be true? Why!

Plus the boy can kiss to top it all off. We said goodbye after chatting for an hour on a bench in Zion Sq. I honestly didn't think I'd ever hear from him again after that. But he called Friday before Shabbat because he keeps Shabbos. I tried reachin him yesterday but his phone was turned off. I was sure that was the end but the boy called me bright and early this morning. And then in the afternoon to make plans with me for Thursday--a double date with Nysrin as my sidekick. And then another time just to talk. Can you tell I'm swooning? Frenchy.

He's a soldier so he chances of this taking off the ground or going very far aren't very good. But this is the first time I've got all those butterflies and good feelings you have when you meet someone you become infatuated with. I am just reveling in that. Ha.

But wait there is another boy. The same weekend, while Frenchy was keep Shabbos I was at a party where I found another cutie to fill my evening. Another soldier. Another one that has to longevity, but another one to entertain me and seems to pursue me, which all I kind of want. I can easily give myself to someone but the hard thing is finding someone that returns the effort. So right now it is a race between Frenchy, who quite obviously I am rooting for, and my Katzin.

Two more weeks til classes, the holidays have been beautiful here in Israel. Uni is all organized for the yr. My apartment is back to normal. Things are actually good for once. I just hope this high sticks around for a while. But I know there is only one way to go from here. Just crossing my fingers I don't slip too soon.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Bayside

I have been waiting to write this all out. I've put it in bits an pieces in other dabs at writing I have done recently. But I have wanted to try to sum it all up for some time now. This is my blog that will add up this summer.

It's been a sad summer. Not a bad one, as I had anticipated. Though I can't claim it socially exciting; it came in and went out with a bang. I still have a week and some locked up on Long Island, but I think it's all come to a climax.

Part of the sadness is of loss. I realized this summer how much me and my mother have grown apart. Not only because I grew up and moved away, but because we're simply just not close anymore. I don't bother or even want to tell her things that go on in my life anymore. And I've never felt that before. It's weird.

I also can't hear about hers. And I blame that for the fact that every other things that comes out of her mouth has something to do with her boy toy. I still feel happy that she has found someone to fill her void, but she is quite clumsy with the relationship. Its awkward giving her relationship advice, telling her how to react and what not to do and to do. I know, you're probably laughing out loud at me of all people giving her advice on love. I cringe thinking about it too, but she's just so clueless. I think I've said it about her before, but there is no way better describe it. She jumps at everything he says and took off a whole day of work to get her hair and make-up done and get ready for the wedding of his niece she got invited to. The irony of that is that she refused to go to a wedding with my father this summer for one of his co-workers.

Part of me is happy though. Happy that I have Lauren. She is so incredible I don't have words to write it out for her and sign in her Sweet 16 book belately. She is more socially adept than even I, which is something to claim at 16. And she plays her game very well. I think the loss in my mother I have reclaimed in her. I just hope she thinks seriously about coming to study in Israel with me. I would die an go to heaven.

For, G-d knows my family's house is the last place in this world I want to be even though I am presently stuck here. The rest of my family is strangely the same. Jonathan is MIA and displaced as ever. Stacey is a typical pre-tween locked up in her room and awfully quiet even around us, her family. My mom says she's intimidated by me and Lauren. Which I guess is an acceptable reason even though I don't buy. I think she has issues. And my father, let's just say I lost most of my remorse for him. Too many slip-ups on his bepart this summer have angered me. My mother might be fkin psychotic but my father is like an absentee father. And I don't forgive him for it.

After this summer, I don't plan on visiting in February like I did last year even though I have a gut feeling I have the time for it. It's been a nice long summer, and I don't see myself missing NY for a while. I will always have a weakness for the city, but my head is still settled in Tel Aviv right now.

But something tells me it won't always be that way. I always tell people who ask me that right now I want to be in Tel Aviv and that I'll know when I want to move on or back. That something will pull me back. But maybe something will push me out. When I left everyone was there but I just heard from Jordana that she's tossing Tel Aviv for London or returning to Toronto and Yaniv is also talking about Canada for the winter. Nysryn also wanted out the last time I talked to her. In the next few years, if my nucleus of friends diminishes and doesn't replemish that may just be my answer.

I didn't even have to make a countdown for myself this summer. Gillian has been doing it for me. I miss her madly. I can't wait for this year with her around again. And the wedding date is December 19th. I still can't believe it. The wedding my mother went to was at Carlyle on the Green in Bathpage. Apparently that's where I'm having my potential wedding if ever one will come about. Remember that if it ever comes up.

Doesn't seem to near in the future the way romance has cooled me off this summer. I dabbled in work at KA, don't think I want to return there next summer, beached it barely, made my bi-weekly trips into Manhattan for sanity, met my share of Israelis in NY and now I want the real thing. Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention. My bilateral reduction mammoplasty went over well. I am officially 3 cups smaller and much happier with my more petite frame. No pain, all gain.

I knew it too, all the excitement back in the holy land has started and stopped before I got a chance to get back and feel it. Just as well, I guess. Now my American homies have less to worry about for me. Just me and Pili taking on the world, or TLV rather. We make a pretty good team though. You must admit.

I know there are a few things I won't miss when I'm gone: my family's grimy bathroom shower, rain in the summer, my mother's weekly breakdowns and psycho behavior, having to dial long distance to talk to my friends, changing diapers at KA, rocky beaches, and all the different keys I have to all the different doors, cabinets, and cars in this house.

I'm sure I'll have my work cut out for me when I get back. I still haven't registered for classes, and my apartment will take some time to put back to normal. It will probably look like one of Haifa's imploded buildings with Yaniv and Emm staying in it together all summer with out other supervision. Oh boy. I guess the next you'll be hearing from me should be in back in Tel Aviv unless I have some sort of emotional discrepency before then. Which is entirely possible. Don't put anything past me.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: The Fray